Made in China

"Hey can you take a picture of me taking this picture?"

So just over a month ago I flew back to Thailand after spending 4 months living in Shanghai and it's taken me about that long to decompress and relearn the social norms I forgot while experiencing the Chinese Dragon.

This is my over dramatized story.

 While living in Shanghai, I (like most expats), found endless things that confused the hell out of me. Things I really wanted to pen you but I couldn't.......because the China firewall totally cock-blocked me bro!
Turns out you aren't allowed to use a blog. Or Facebook. Or YouTube. Or Twitter. Or for anyone born after 1990, all the ways in which you express yourself.  Funny enough, instagram is all good. 

Apparently not even the Chinese internet police can resist taking a good picture.

So for those of you that were wondering if I had choked on my chopsticks; I was merely bound by the great Chinese "no-fun" firewall. At first I had a cyber panic at the thought of 4 months without being able to level up my potato patch on FarmVille. But much like those adorable little Amish, you get used to archaeic ideas like reading words on paper.
Or better yet: ACTUALLY leaving the house to talk with your friends (instead of doing it from your laptop-lit living room while sitting in those underwear that you know it's high time you threw out already). 

Yes it may seem hard to believe but before you know it, 
the Internet becomes "just somebody that you used to know". 

Will you still leave if I paint my face?

So with that, out into Shanghai I went! To explore! To see the sights! To seize the world by the short and curlies!

To sit in traffic....

There is too much wrong with this to start.

Oh...right. The whole too many people thing. 

Waaay better than the mash potato juice

Well no problem, I can just use the time to read right? Or how about listening to some nice relaxing music and who knows; maybe even treat myself to a refreshing corn juice! Delish....


 But oh no bad news! You just spilled that tasty corn juice all over your crotch because your taxi driver is trying to play Whack A Mole with the pedals. 
Yes, the first thing I learned about China is that getting around by car is a see-saw game of sheer terror and boiling frustration. And why is that you ask? Well, maybe you've never heard of this and it might come as a complete shock but it turns out that........

*warning: you are about to experience racism*

                     PEOPLE IN CHINA ARE HORRIFIC DRIVERS!!!

My first chinese car accident

Man...that felt good. That felt so good that I feel like I need to light a cigarette and ask you to leave now. I guess it's just been a while..... I have been waiting 4 months to get that out and in that time, I've come to terms with how racist it is of me to say it. And Im ok with it. 
Because it's completely true. 
That statement (as "off-putting" as it is) is an accurate one and anybody from China will gladly tell you the same. More than 300 people die a day in car accidents in China. It's a national epidemic. Just ask this doctor dude. 

Its just one big clusterfuck of gasoline powered, Tourette's induced honking. Because that's what people do there. Instead of using their mirrors or turn signals, they just honk. Basically every maneuver requires you to honk which means that all you hear is people constantly honking. All day. All night. Everywhere. Forever. 

How to Chinese driving manual

Honking. 
It's a constant fuck you of the ears. Imagine listening to two fax machines having tantric sex. It's kinda like that but not just your normal 3 minute "was that good for you too?" sex but instead "I just drank away my feelings and this is never going to end" sex.
It's about that enjoyable...

Ok....stop thinking about sex and how I think 3 minutes is "normal".
We're talking about honking here. 

The good thing about the honking is that it's a swell well way to get someone's attention while they're on their phone. Because that's probably what they are doing. In China, If you're driving and you want to use your phone, no problem: just drive really slow in between lanes. That way, you have more room to drive badly. Makes sense right? The bonus is that when you're crossing the street as a pedestrian and someone runs you over (a very real possibility), they already have their phone out to call the ambulance. Or better yet; you can call this old guy who throws bricks at bad drivers to get your revenge.

But don't hold your collapsed lung just yet because guess what: your ambulance is stuck in traffic. This is because people don't move out of the way for ambulances. Or anybody for that matter. 

Maybe they should just try honking louder?

Whatever it is, the sirens just don't seem to cut it.... but that probably has something to do with the police who just leave their sirens on ALL OF THE TIME. Even if a police car is parked with no one in it. Those cherries are turning as if to say: "Hey look over here: LIGHTS!"

So that's pretty much how you get around in China, no seatbelt and no worries. I think the actual motto for Chinese driving should be "China: Hurry up and brake."

Myself, I think the whole traffic shit show comes from the Chinese mentality that if someone isn't you, then it doesn't really matter what happens to them. For example:

Holding the door is pointless if you have already walked through said door. You are no longer there so you don't need to hold it anymore right? Genius...

Or better yet: elevators.

In China, when the elevator door opens, instead of letting people get out first, everyone just rushes in, trapping the people trying to get out. Again; they're not you so.....

Maybe this is just what you do when there are too many people. You just say: "Fuck it. Im going already"and this is basically what happens. Everyone just says fuck it. There is no such thing as "waiting in line". Everyone just pushes each other. It's kind of like a mosh pit without the"nobody gets me" music and instead of anger-boner youths, it's old ladies carrying chicken parts.

Yes, getting around in China is a daily rape of your personal space but you just kind of get used to it and besides; it could be worse:

Google: dolphin rape.



Yup. That's a thing you know now and you can't unlearn it. My gift to you.

Good bye last remaining innocence.....

Ya.......Im thinking that maybe I should just go back to not having internet. Might be better for all of us.

On that note, Im going outside to pick up some more Placenta cream.
 Part 2 tomorrow.